I have been reborn

Behold! I am new and awakened. I have been "risen" out of the cold dark grave that I once lay. I no longer have these fears and anxieties of which I have spoke of so sickly. I have shed the skin which held the scars, hooks and demons. I am strong like a warrior before battle and I bleed now only for myself. I am free to trust in love and life once again. I have been given a second chance. I now stand without falling, for my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I am sad yet humbled to admit that the old me has died and been buried beneath the heavy dirt of my past. But worry not my friend, the new me has been gracefully born to take its place. I glow with the light of the heavens. My shoulders no longer aching with the weight of the chains that imprisoned me. I know now what it feels to fly. You ask of me how I did this  One answer. God.

http://lisabuffaloe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Arise-and-shine-1024x768.jpg

something happy

there.haha lol.

better days

i know ive had better days.

wish the sun wouldnt leave this place.   

it rained outside my windowpane.

flowerpots with no flowers to claim.

clouds are out all black and grey

the doors are shut in their frames
it seems to me all the same
thoughts are fluid but no words to explain.
the bed is cold since you're away

the walls remind me of that day

i know i shouldve made you stay
i just wanted to hear you say
you love me most and nothings changed.
 i know ive had better days.

You

I loved you

you shot me down.

i needed you

you were no where to be found

i am so alone

fighting to be noticed

an empty house is not a home

its your name i call

but your zombified

can you hear me at all?

my heart aches

but you do not feel

into pieces it breaks

tears run cold
but you do not see
i reach out and do not recieve
i breathed you

you denied me the air

soffocating to make you care
i bleed you
the numbness i am
cut so deep, lost again

i felt you

but no responce to my touch

it is one sided. i felt myself.

I see you

the reflection of loss

cannot admit to the pain it caused.

I missed you

but my efforts are useless.

sink down into myself i guess.

i called you

but my voice went away

choked by the silence, i could not say.

i lived you

but you did not nurture

died at the thought, no more torture.

Father Of Mine

In all those moments when time stops and stands still, i know you will be with me. i am not afraid of this new silence because i can remember your words. how strong and true they were. when i am standing in the sand and it falls between my toes i will laugh and hold that feeling close, for you are in the sand. when i come to a difficult mountain and i haven't got the slightest idea on a way to climb, i will look to your advice,for you not only taught me how to climb but how to get to the top as well.

when our favorite song comes on, i will dance. i will dance like no one is watching because you live within the notes. you showed me how to be carefree and to have fun.

when i am scared and i have nothing left to turn to, i will remember you. i will remember how strong you were and how you never let me go. father, i am not afraid.

i am sad, but not afraid because i know that even at this very moment you are with me. ( probably even reading this over my shoulder). you are in the earth now. you are the waves that crash into me. you are the suns rays waking me in the morning. and you are even my mornings cup of coffee (recalling back to "dawn Patrol" ). i will always love you, father of mine.


R.I.P 
Rick Dutcher

Falling

Dimension through dimension.
the ground keeps coming closer.
I let go too soon
I couldn't do a damn thing.
sinking through.
hoping somewhere - somehow i can find some sort of surface to grab on to.
Falling.
i shut out the world and wait for the cold hard floor to meet my bones.
was i wrong?
was i wrong to anticipate?
it'll all be over soon.
hopefully i just might be better this way.
Falling.

Anam Cara

 My dear friend,

oh the troubles that have strewn.

i realize now more than ever how much i truly love you.

you are like a sibling that i want so desperately to protect.

I want to keep you out of harms way and hidden from the beasts of disguise.

i want to hush your cries, hold you close and wipe away those tears for good.

i want to hold your hand as you walk through the treacherous troubles fate can throw;

only to smile and tell you that you gave a hell of a fight, and that I'm proud.

but you and i both know i cannot always do that.

It is not my place to keep you from what is inevitable.

I have learned a lesson that i must first let you learn yours;

so that you will grow stronger from your hurt, just as i have.

No matter how badly i want to take that bullet i see before you or take away that throbbing heartache in your chest, i know that life has a plan for you and i must abide by the rules it has set forth.

My dear friend,

I do not worry ,however, because i know you are courageous.

i see that warrior that you have become. 

such a strong one at that.

I know when it comes wartime, you will put on your armor,raise your mighty sword and shield 

and fight your hardest. 

A champion you will be.

and even if you might have gotten a few deep cuts and bruises or maybe even a broken heart.

you will always my champion when the dust clears.

but you most also understand that with sweet victory, loses also lurk.

but do not fret, you will prevail.

i want you to understand that i care very much for you.

Equivalent to a mother's love for a child.

you are my only friend.

it saddens me to watch you go through pain and upset.

and it angers me that i can not rid you of all your stress.

Trust me, I would gladly do that in exchange for a smile or two.

but i believe fate has its own ways of "taking care" of those sorts of things.

It always does.

Through the years, i have watched you grow.

Turning from a innocent child and into a beautiful young adult.

i have shared many laughs and even tears with you.

none of which i would ever trade for anything in the world.

not only have i taught you but i have also learned from you as well.

you have shown me not to give up when there seems to be no hope;

to push through the closed doors of "impossible"and prove to the world just how possible it really was all along.

to stand tall when you feel short.

You have taught me what it means to care for someone as much as i do for you.

you are my dear friend, don't ever forget that

my sister, my sibling at heart.

my teacher, in so many different ways

                                                   my champion, raise that shield and sword.

but most of all you are my Anam Cara

(my soul friend).

Just a fish in an ocean of more

Sometimes I wonder what the hell i am doing here. What difference does it make what i do in this world? Out of the millions of people here that breathe the same polluted air i do, what makes my actions so important that i be here?( i am sorry if that seems harsh). If i breathe in, does that permit another to breathe out? If you are confused at this point as to where i am going with this, let me clear it up. I am trying to find my reason and if it really does have anything to do with anyone else in the world. If i smoke a cigarette, does that mean that someone in China will be disappointed in me? stupid question.. I know. Either way, I need to feel like I matter in this world. Maybe instead of sitting on this website sulking to a text board, I should just get up and make a difference....or just turn into a cloud and evaporate. maybe I should start little. when I die I will ask to be recycled. :) Less plastic, well..just less plastic - simple as that.
I like to make people happy and if that changes one persons life then recycling is what ill do.
I guess what it all comes down to is i just need a hug. Hugs are nice. i think if i had more of those I'd be a happier person. (laugh out loud) do you know what else is nice.. Marshmallows. Especially the big fluffy ones, or the ones that are multicolored. i like unicorns..and vampires..and blood...and glittered dancefloors..and.. and..happy thoughts..yes..happy thou -...(drifts off to sleep)

I am A chemical defect (My sweet Chemical Depression)

Today I feel stupid. I feel alone and bereft. I cry for no reason and there is no one here to comfort me. My body hurts and i am tired.My femininity doesn't help in the least. My ovaries serve as hormonal time-bombs. The only one I thought was here for me is selfish and seems to be in another world, so what does that leave me with? I want to hide away from everyone now. I can't concentrate on worldly things. I am a chemical defect! lesser than the more, i guess. I want medicine and a dark room. I really wish i could.... i want to escape myself but i have no where to go. how can one escape from his/herself anyways? exactly..you can't. I don't understand, its not like I can just close my eyes and wish it away and it be gone. I close my eyes and it gets louder. Theres nothing worse than feeling like you are your own prisoner and to top things off you are without a key. Dear god,I must sound crazy by now. Im sure I do.

Rest assured, "I'm n-" . I am. I cant hide it. I cant fake this.My head is throbbing and my thoughts aren't making it any better. I am a mess... I NEED HELP. ( i wish this would end)

My Weakness

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is a combination of emotional, physical, psychological, and mood disturbances that occur after a woman's ovulation and typically ending with the onset of her menstrual flow. The most common mood-related symptoms are irritability, depression, crying, oversensitivity, and mood swings with alternating sadness and anger. The most common physical symptoms are fatigue, bloating, breast tenderness (mastalgia), acne, and appetite changes with food cravings. A more severe form of PMS, known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), also known as late luteal phase dysphoric disorder) occurs in a smaller number of women and leads to significant loss of function because of unusually severe symptoms.

How common is PMS? About 80% of women experience some premenstrual symptoms. The incidence of true PMS has often been overestimated by including all women who experience any physical or emotional symptoms prior to menstruation. It is estimated that clinically significant PMS (which is moderate to severe in intensity and affects a woman's functioning) occurs in 20% to 30% of women. About 2% to 6% of women are believed to have the more severe variant known as PMDD

What are the symptoms of PMS? A great variety of symptoms have been attributed to PMS. Women can have PMS of varying duration and severity from cycle to cycle. The most frequent mood-related symptoms of PMS include: •anger and irritability, •anxiety, •tension, •depression, •crying, •oversensitivity, and •exaggerated mood swings. The most frequent physical signs and symptoms of PMS include: •fatigue, •bloating (due to fluid retention), •weight gain, •breast tenderness, •acne, •sleep disturbances with sleeping too much or too little (insomnia), and •appetite changes with overeating or food cravings.

...enough said.

http://www.medicinenet.com/premenstrual_syndrome/article.htm

.....And They Say That Evil Never Sleeps

Black, it bleeds through the wrists that bind me here. Sick and tarnished it leaves me weak. crawl within its shadow that engulfs me, it sinks into fallen knees. It waits until i am not watching - a nightmare i fear, it becomes. with my breath it holds me hostage. Scratching at the walls of my mind until its nails become dull. Synester and sick, it smiles.

it buries its seed

shredded hope feeds it hunger while fear feeds its strength.

Pregnant with chaos, its larva is born from me.

Burrowing deep into the holes of my dreams.

my wounded spirit, its nest.

Maggot like behavior, it sickens me.

multiply, infest and infect.

Pretty little spawns of sin

wretched, they squirm to the surface.

I become what they fear

and they say that evil never sleeps.

Modest Mouse

I have to say this is one of the best bands i could ever listen to. I absolutely love Isaac Brock. He is such a genius in my opinion. The band itself is genius, really. They really are different from the everyday mainstream. i enjoy their sound so much. I like how their lyrics really are thought out and they bring bits and pieces of different instruments in like trumpets and stuff like that. It adds a nice spice to the whole soup, you know?. I cant imagine going on with my life without them (Damn, this is starting to sound a little clingy! lol) i really enjoyed their "Good News for People Who Love Bad News" album as well as their "We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank" album. if i were to have a band, id want to really show pieces of their influence in it. they really inspire me with their uniqueness and solid honesty. Modest Mouse, I believe, is very artistic as well as abstract. In their videos, they give little stories which make it interesting to watch all the way through as well as little collages of things.The video for "Float On" shows just what I'm talking about.
I have been listening to them for a few years now i just cant seem to get enough. my favorite top 13 songs from them are:


1. Dashboard


2.Float On


3.Little Motel


4.Ocean Breathes Salty


5,King Rat


6. We've Got Everything


7.Missed The Boat


8.People As Places


9. Black Cadillacs


10.We've Got It (Almost)


11.Bukowski

12.One Chance

13.Parting Of The Sensory

the list could and can go on. anyways i just adore this band so much.


Long live Modest Mouse!

Submerged

The water is running.

The depth, increasing as I strip and lay.

My ears become full as it takes its first embrace

My conscious head sinks and I begin to hear nothing -

but blurs of the world below that awaits.

Silence starts to surround me, making its way through me

to find its resting place-

while human thoughts subside.

Weight pulling me deeper

as I become a part of this.

At rest - I am.

They cannot find me here.

A safe place of the unknown.

My haven of currents,

My liquid sanctuary,

My humble asylum.

I am at peace now-

but they disagree.

I begin to fear

their eager hands,

abruptly grasping before i am ready.

Breaking the silence-

Only just to speak of thier selfish prominences.

smothering me with thier unjust skin

and defiant ears, hearing only what they wish,

with tyrant toungues that speak so harsh and loud.

But they do not understand.

I am submerged for a reason-

to escape from them in their greed.

but i shall not let it wake me.

Unconsiousness is too precious.

It must not break me.

vulnerable yet so serene

at the bottom I lay.

Submerged from the human world that simply was too much to carry.

Familiar skin

Recently, I have been trying to find myself underneath all the weight life throws on me. Subconsciously i know I'm there, but i need to bring myself to the surface again. Fresh breath of air, gasp, and then reacquaint myself in my own skin.I can almost feel it but not quite enough to fully take hold. There are still some corners I have yet to fill out. Strangers of my own that i must find in the fog and bring home.Shadows I must bring to light. I cant wait to feel completely alive again. I cant wait to feel familiar to myself instead of being an "outsider looking in". I can't wait to finally get a chance of waking up to my own feet. To finally sink down into the dirt between my toes of my once familar trail and come home as nothing but me.

The World

Such a perfect day to say the least. I have woken up to the sun. another day to see the most of what I didn’t need to change. So relaxing and calm I fell into myself once more to watch the day go by me. No pressure to show myself and face the world. I found myself quite comfortable in such a place as myself, air to breathe, things to see, voices to hear, and yet no pressure to interact. I felt at home at last. I wish everyday were like this. I have realized much more than I ever have before, being the observer. I learned how this world can quietly spin without a single thought. I could hold my breath and yet it would still turn. In a way, its beautiful. To know that you are not in complete control. Just a simple life in the gigantic works of the universe. Waiting and watching for that sun come to come up and greet you again.

Lips So Tyrant

I never knew that the same soft lips i kiss everyday, could spit such tyranny back at me. I used to think of them as home but now i cant seem to find a single ounce of familiarity.I don't think they know me anymore. They speak so foolishly of me, pointing out my every wrong just to break the silence. I then go about this asking if it is me who is to blame? No. it couldn't be. Not me. i wonder what they say when I'm not around. Do they yearn for me or do they long for yet another one of my absences? I fear to say it has gotten harder to tell. I cant seem to comprehend why i cant make them smile. I have done everything. everything i thought right and so little of what i thought wrong. Once again I am left to wonder if it is me. I know in the end its going to be difficult to believe them. Their words mean nothing when the damage is done. How much longer must i be poisoned by them? How much more before they suck me dry? such harsh concepts, i know, but one cannot recover from such reoccurring odds. I'm sure i cant keep doing this forever. whether it kills me, I'll never know. If it does, I'm sure they'll be the first to know. I'd like to say i am lucky enough to beat the facts, but like always, cold hard honesty comes to steal the win right from under me. by this point, there is no turning back. What is done is done. and what said is heard. whether or not ill forever be on the receiving end ill never know. for such lips i once knew, they ll never again feel like home.

KEANE Bedshaped http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b61EeXnwpLA&feature=fvw

The true Hide And Seek

Love.

The Perfect Day 12/21/10

Today has been like no other day i had before.(well,It started off kinda dreadful but......it got better as it went on).Anyways like i was saying, today was a miracle in the making.I slept in and when i woke up, i got to open a fresh gallon of milk(always a plus!!! i love milk!)
then i got on FruityLoops Studio 9 (a music making program on my computer)and made an awesome Trance song called "Everlastin" ( yes... i know it has no G. it was the way i intended it to be). continuing on, i got dressed and actually looked somewhat fabulous. Normally, something will be messed up in someway, whether it's my hair, weight or clothes. but no, not today, everything seemed perfect. afterwards my grandmother hooked me up with my first credit card. quite awesome, right!!! then we went to Olive Garden where we had a very cute waiter..*smiles* he gave us extra mints!! yay! When i got home i cleaned up my whole room and my lover called asking if he could come over today(which was also very nice because neither of us expected to be able to see each other today due to business with chores and holiday stuff). so he came over right as i got done with my room. He's always had perfect timing!! he had played a little prank on me involving a flaming incense stick(that oddly looked just like the one i randomly decided to use today for nice effects). i thought it quite clever but i know I'll never live it down the way i reacted. *embarrassed shrug*. he had brought over some bead kits which we made lizard key chains(so awesome because we rarely- to -never have anything in common that we can do). It caused us to bond in a way i never thought possible. we laughed and shared interesting conversation topics. My grandmother made the perfect dinner of breaded chicken and vegetable lasagna. ( it tasted SO good).We watched "A Bug's Life" and snuggled until it was over. like i said, today was by far the most perfect day I've ever had.... and I'm sure there will be more to come.

something funny

so my grandmother and i were in target returning some trash bags that were the wrong size gallon. we returned them,walked around, got stuff and went to ring it up. so the cashier(whom i will not name for privacy reasons)is talking to himself. He seems really happy and giggly. i asked him who/ what he was talking to. so he smiled and said"oh just talking to myself." he laughed and i replied with "Yah i do that too sometimes." so my grandmother was looking for the card she uses normally for target and she asked me. " hey you wheres the card i just got?" "help me find it." she said followed by some jokes about how much she hates spongebob.I was wearing spongebob pajama pants and t shirt. ( dont ask me, it felt like one of those days). so he was like "What?! spongebob is amazing!" my grandmother still joking about how its an inatimate object and how sponges dont actually live and talk abd breathe.So the cashier and i were both like "aww...what?" and favoring spongebob right, i said " Spongebob is The Bomb digadee!he agreed with me multiple times. she was comparing him to Barney The Dinosaur. both the cashier and i were like " no you did not just compare barney and spongebob!!" laughing as we discussed our great likeing for the bob that is a sponge.she said " yah every time we get in the car she starts singin the damn song until i finish it and if i dont she keeps singing it over and over again" the cashier laughed a hearty laugh. all the sudden my grandma says the most hilarious epic thing ever....ready?? she goes " well atleast dinosaurs are real unlike sponges!" the ladies behind us in line looking like thier trying not to crack up in laughter. so finally one of the ladies said " what did she say, dinosaurs are real??" we all started laughing histerically. we couldn't stop long enough to breathe for air. so the lady asked my grandmother " so dinosaurs are real?" and my grandmother replied with " Yah Thier just in hiding" then the whole Target starts laughing. i put our stuff in the cart and the lady smiles and says "well you just keep singing". we smiled and left while i sang "ooooh who lives in a pineapple under the sea?".i could hear them laughing as we walked out. we found the car in the parking lot and put our stuff away. we were driving off to go home and i couldnt help but just laugh like crazy from what had just happened. so she says "well why do you think the japanese made those movies? for no reason?" and i replied " yes." simply giggling.
so se said yah. their hiding in the forest and the japanese fought them off with sticks ( were talking Dionsaurs here!)i just kept laughing and laughing. we got home and she went into the backyard and i was like " Hey did ya find any dinosaurs back there? do i need to sharpen some sticks or should i ask the japanese?!" from that point on it was no turning back for air. ohhh, this was by far the best day ever!!!