Father Of Mine

In all those moments when time stops and stands still, i know you will be with me. i am not afraid of this new silence because i can remember your words. how strong and true they were. when i am standing in the sand and it falls between my toes i will laugh and hold that feeling close, for you are in the sand. when i come to a difficult mountain and i haven't got the slightest idea on a way to climb, i will look to your advice,for you not only taught me how to climb but how to get to the top as well.

when our favorite song comes on, i will dance. i will dance like no one is watching because you live within the notes. you showed me how to be carefree and to have fun.

when i am scared and i have nothing left to turn to, i will remember you. i will remember how strong you were and how you never let me go. father, i am not afraid.

i am sad, but not afraid because i know that even at this very moment you are with me. ( probably even reading this over my shoulder). you are in the earth now. you are the waves that crash into me. you are the suns rays waking me in the morning. and you are even my mornings cup of coffee (recalling back to "dawn Patrol" ). i will always love you, father of mine.


R.I.P 
Rick Dutcher

Falling

Dimension through dimension.
the ground keeps coming closer.
I let go too soon
I couldn't do a damn thing.
sinking through.
hoping somewhere - somehow i can find some sort of surface to grab on to.
Falling.
i shut out the world and wait for the cold hard floor to meet my bones.
was i wrong?
was i wrong to anticipate?
it'll all be over soon.
hopefully i just might be better this way.
Falling.

Anam Cara

 My dear friend,

oh the troubles that have strewn.

i realize now more than ever how much i truly love you.

you are like a sibling that i want so desperately to protect.

I want to keep you out of harms way and hidden from the beasts of disguise.

i want to hush your cries, hold you close and wipe away those tears for good.

i want to hold your hand as you walk through the treacherous troubles fate can throw;

only to smile and tell you that you gave a hell of a fight, and that I'm proud.

but you and i both know i cannot always do that.

It is not my place to keep you from what is inevitable.

I have learned a lesson that i must first let you learn yours;

so that you will grow stronger from your hurt, just as i have.

No matter how badly i want to take that bullet i see before you or take away that throbbing heartache in your chest, i know that life has a plan for you and i must abide by the rules it has set forth.

My dear friend,

I do not worry ,however, because i know you are courageous.

i see that warrior that you have become. 

such a strong one at that.

I know when it comes wartime, you will put on your armor,raise your mighty sword and shield 

and fight your hardest. 

A champion you will be.

and even if you might have gotten a few deep cuts and bruises or maybe even a broken heart.

you will always my champion when the dust clears.

but you most also understand that with sweet victory, loses also lurk.

but do not fret, you will prevail.

i want you to understand that i care very much for you.

Equivalent to a mother's love for a child.

you are my only friend.

it saddens me to watch you go through pain and upset.

and it angers me that i can not rid you of all your stress.

Trust me, I would gladly do that in exchange for a smile or two.

but i believe fate has its own ways of "taking care" of those sorts of things.

It always does.

Through the years, i have watched you grow.

Turning from a innocent child and into a beautiful young adult.

i have shared many laughs and even tears with you.

none of which i would ever trade for anything in the world.

not only have i taught you but i have also learned from you as well.

you have shown me not to give up when there seems to be no hope;

to push through the closed doors of "impossible"and prove to the world just how possible it really was all along.

to stand tall when you feel short.

You have taught me what it means to care for someone as much as i do for you.

you are my dear friend, don't ever forget that

my sister, my sibling at heart.

my teacher, in so many different ways

                                                   my champion, raise that shield and sword.

but most of all you are my Anam Cara

(my soul friend).

Just a fish in an ocean of more

Sometimes I wonder what the hell i am doing here. What difference does it make what i do in this world? Out of the millions of people here that breathe the same polluted air i do, what makes my actions so important that i be here?( i am sorry if that seems harsh). If i breathe in, does that permit another to breathe out? If you are confused at this point as to where i am going with this, let me clear it up. I am trying to find my reason and if it really does have anything to do with anyone else in the world. If i smoke a cigarette, does that mean that someone in China will be disappointed in me? stupid question.. I know. Either way, I need to feel like I matter in this world. Maybe instead of sitting on this website sulking to a text board, I should just get up and make a difference....or just turn into a cloud and evaporate. maybe I should start little. when I die I will ask to be recycled. :) Less plastic, well..just less plastic - simple as that.
I like to make people happy and if that changes one persons life then recycling is what ill do.
I guess what it all comes down to is i just need a hug. Hugs are nice. i think if i had more of those I'd be a happier person. (laugh out loud) do you know what else is nice.. Marshmallows. Especially the big fluffy ones, or the ones that are multicolored. i like unicorns..and vampires..and blood...and glittered dancefloors..and.. and..happy thoughts..yes..happy thou -...(drifts off to sleep)

I am A chemical defect (My sweet Chemical Depression)

Today I feel stupid. I feel alone and bereft. I cry for no reason and there is no one here to comfort me. My body hurts and i am tired.My femininity doesn't help in the least. My ovaries serve as hormonal time-bombs. The only one I thought was here for me is selfish and seems to be in another world, so what does that leave me with? I want to hide away from everyone now. I can't concentrate on worldly things. I am a chemical defect! lesser than the more, i guess. I want medicine and a dark room. I really wish i could.... i want to escape myself but i have no where to go. how can one escape from his/herself anyways? exactly..you can't. I don't understand, its not like I can just close my eyes and wish it away and it be gone. I close my eyes and it gets louder. Theres nothing worse than feeling like you are your own prisoner and to top things off you are without a key. Dear god,I must sound crazy by now. Im sure I do.

Rest assured, "I'm n-" . I am. I cant hide it. I cant fake this.My head is throbbing and my thoughts aren't making it any better. I am a mess... I NEED HELP. ( i wish this would end)

My Weakness

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is a combination of emotional, physical, psychological, and mood disturbances that occur after a woman's ovulation and typically ending with the onset of her menstrual flow. The most common mood-related symptoms are irritability, depression, crying, oversensitivity, and mood swings with alternating sadness and anger. The most common physical symptoms are fatigue, bloating, breast tenderness (mastalgia), acne, and appetite changes with food cravings. A more severe form of PMS, known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), also known as late luteal phase dysphoric disorder) occurs in a smaller number of women and leads to significant loss of function because of unusually severe symptoms.

How common is PMS? About 80% of women experience some premenstrual symptoms. The incidence of true PMS has often been overestimated by including all women who experience any physical or emotional symptoms prior to menstruation. It is estimated that clinically significant PMS (which is moderate to severe in intensity and affects a woman's functioning) occurs in 20% to 30% of women. About 2% to 6% of women are believed to have the more severe variant known as PMDD

What are the symptoms of PMS? A great variety of symptoms have been attributed to PMS. Women can have PMS of varying duration and severity from cycle to cycle. The most frequent mood-related symptoms of PMS include: •anger and irritability, •anxiety, •tension, •depression, •crying, •oversensitivity, and •exaggerated mood swings. The most frequent physical signs and symptoms of PMS include: •fatigue, •bloating (due to fluid retention), •weight gain, •breast tenderness, •acne, •sleep disturbances with sleeping too much or too little (insomnia), and •appetite changes with overeating or food cravings.

...enough said.

http://www.medicinenet.com/premenstrual_syndrome/article.htm

.....And They Say That Evil Never Sleeps

Black, it bleeds through the wrists that bind me here. Sick and tarnished it leaves me weak. crawl within its shadow that engulfs me, it sinks into fallen knees. It waits until i am not watching - a nightmare i fear, it becomes. with my breath it holds me hostage. Scratching at the walls of my mind until its nails become dull. Synester and sick, it smiles.

it buries its seed

shredded hope feeds it hunger while fear feeds its strength.

Pregnant with chaos, its larva is born from me.

Burrowing deep into the holes of my dreams.

my wounded spirit, its nest.

Maggot like behavior, it sickens me.

multiply, infest and infect.

Pretty little spawns of sin

wretched, they squirm to the surface.

I become what they fear

and they say that evil never sleeps.