Just a fish in an ocean of more

Sometimes I wonder what the hell i am doing here. What difference does it make what i do in this world? Out of the millions of people here that breathe the same polluted air i do, what makes my actions so important that i be here?( i am sorry if that seems harsh). If i breathe in, does that permit another to breathe out? If you are confused at this point as to where i am going with this, let me clear it up. I am trying to find my reason and if it really does have anything to do with anyone else in the world. If i smoke a cigarette, does that mean that someone in China will be disappointed in me? stupid question.. I know. Either way, I need to feel like I matter in this world. Maybe instead of sitting on this website sulking to a text board, I should just get up and make a difference....or just turn into a cloud and evaporate. maybe I should start little. when I die I will ask to be recycled. :) Less plastic, well..just less plastic - simple as that.
I like to make people happy and if that changes one persons life then recycling is what ill do.
I guess what it all comes down to is i just need a hug. Hugs are nice. i think if i had more of those I'd be a happier person. (laugh out loud) do you know what else is nice.. Marshmallows. Especially the big fluffy ones, or the ones that are multicolored. i like unicorns..and vampires..and blood...and glittered dancefloors..and.. and..happy thoughts..yes..happy thou -...(drifts off to sleep)

I am A chemical defect (My sweet Chemical Depression)

Today I feel stupid. I feel alone and bereft. I cry for no reason and there is no one here to comfort me. My body hurts and i am tired.My femininity doesn't help in the least. My ovaries serve as hormonal time-bombs. The only one I thought was here for me is selfish and seems to be in another world, so what does that leave me with? I want to hide away from everyone now. I can't concentrate on worldly things. I am a chemical defect! lesser than the more, i guess. I want medicine and a dark room. I really wish i could.... i want to escape myself but i have no where to go. how can one escape from his/herself anyways? exactly..you can't. I don't understand, its not like I can just close my eyes and wish it away and it be gone. I close my eyes and it gets louder. Theres nothing worse than feeling like you are your own prisoner and to top things off you are without a key. Dear god,I must sound crazy by now. Im sure I do.

Rest assured, "I'm n-" . I am. I cant hide it. I cant fake this.My head is throbbing and my thoughts aren't making it any better. I am a mess... I NEED HELP. ( i wish this would end)

My Weakness

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is a combination of emotional, physical, psychological, and mood disturbances that occur after a woman's ovulation and typically ending with the onset of her menstrual flow. The most common mood-related symptoms are irritability, depression, crying, oversensitivity, and mood swings with alternating sadness and anger. The most common physical symptoms are fatigue, bloating, breast tenderness (mastalgia), acne, and appetite changes with food cravings. A more severe form of PMS, known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), also known as late luteal phase dysphoric disorder) occurs in a smaller number of women and leads to significant loss of function because of unusually severe symptoms.

How common is PMS? About 80% of women experience some premenstrual symptoms. The incidence of true PMS has often been overestimated by including all women who experience any physical or emotional symptoms prior to menstruation. It is estimated that clinically significant PMS (which is moderate to severe in intensity and affects a woman's functioning) occurs in 20% to 30% of women. About 2% to 6% of women are believed to have the more severe variant known as PMDD

What are the symptoms of PMS? A great variety of symptoms have been attributed to PMS. Women can have PMS of varying duration and severity from cycle to cycle. The most frequent mood-related symptoms of PMS include: •anger and irritability, •anxiety, •tension, •depression, •crying, •oversensitivity, and •exaggerated mood swings. The most frequent physical signs and symptoms of PMS include: •fatigue, •bloating (due to fluid retention), •weight gain, •breast tenderness, •acne, •sleep disturbances with sleeping too much or too little (insomnia), and •appetite changes with overeating or food cravings.

...enough said.

http://www.medicinenet.com/premenstrual_syndrome/article.htm

.....And They Say That Evil Never Sleeps

Black, it bleeds through the wrists that bind me here. Sick and tarnished it leaves me weak. crawl within its shadow that engulfs me, it sinks into fallen knees. It waits until i am not watching - a nightmare i fear, it becomes. with my breath it holds me hostage. Scratching at the walls of my mind until its nails become dull. Synester and sick, it smiles.

it buries its seed

shredded hope feeds it hunger while fear feeds its strength.

Pregnant with chaos, its larva is born from me.

Burrowing deep into the holes of my dreams.

my wounded spirit, its nest.

Maggot like behavior, it sickens me.

multiply, infest and infect.

Pretty little spawns of sin

wretched, they squirm to the surface.

I become what they fear

and they say that evil never sleeps.

Modest Mouse

I have to say this is one of the best bands i could ever listen to. I absolutely love Isaac Brock. He is such a genius in my opinion. The band itself is genius, really. They really are different from the everyday mainstream. i enjoy their sound so much. I like how their lyrics really are thought out and they bring bits and pieces of different instruments in like trumpets and stuff like that. It adds a nice spice to the whole soup, you know?. I cant imagine going on with my life without them (Damn, this is starting to sound a little clingy! lol) i really enjoyed their "Good News for People Who Love Bad News" album as well as their "We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank" album. if i were to have a band, id want to really show pieces of their influence in it. they really inspire me with their uniqueness and solid honesty. Modest Mouse, I believe, is very artistic as well as abstract. In their videos, they give little stories which make it interesting to watch all the way through as well as little collages of things.The video for "Float On" shows just what I'm talking about.
I have been listening to them for a few years now i just cant seem to get enough. my favorite top 13 songs from them are:


1. Dashboard


2.Float On


3.Little Motel


4.Ocean Breathes Salty


5,King Rat


6. We've Got Everything


7.Missed The Boat


8.People As Places


9. Black Cadillacs


10.We've Got It (Almost)


11.Bukowski

12.One Chance

13.Parting Of The Sensory

the list could and can go on. anyways i just adore this band so much.


Long live Modest Mouse!

Submerged

The water is running.

The depth, increasing as I strip and lay.

My ears become full as it takes its first embrace

My conscious head sinks and I begin to hear nothing -

but blurs of the world below that awaits.

Silence starts to surround me, making its way through me

to find its resting place-

while human thoughts subside.

Weight pulling me deeper

as I become a part of this.

At rest - I am.

They cannot find me here.

A safe place of the unknown.

My haven of currents,

My liquid sanctuary,

My humble asylum.

I am at peace now-

but they disagree.

I begin to fear

their eager hands,

abruptly grasping before i am ready.

Breaking the silence-

Only just to speak of thier selfish prominences.

smothering me with thier unjust skin

and defiant ears, hearing only what they wish,

with tyrant toungues that speak so harsh and loud.

But they do not understand.

I am submerged for a reason-

to escape from them in their greed.

but i shall not let it wake me.

Unconsiousness is too precious.

It must not break me.

vulnerable yet so serene

at the bottom I lay.

Submerged from the human world that simply was too much to carry.

Familiar skin

Recently, I have been trying to find myself underneath all the weight life throws on me. Subconsciously i know I'm there, but i need to bring myself to the surface again. Fresh breath of air, gasp, and then reacquaint myself in my own skin.I can almost feel it but not quite enough to fully take hold. There are still some corners I have yet to fill out. Strangers of my own that i must find in the fog and bring home.Shadows I must bring to light. I cant wait to feel completely alive again. I cant wait to feel familiar to myself instead of being an "outsider looking in". I can't wait to finally get a chance of waking up to my own feet. To finally sink down into the dirt between my toes of my once familar trail and come home as nothing but me.

The World

Such a perfect day to say the least. I have woken up to the sun. another day to see the most of what I didn’t need to change. So relaxing and calm I fell into myself once more to watch the day go by me. No pressure to show myself and face the world. I found myself quite comfortable in such a place as myself, air to breathe, things to see, voices to hear, and yet no pressure to interact. I felt at home at last. I wish everyday were like this. I have realized much more than I ever have before, being the observer. I learned how this world can quietly spin without a single thought. I could hold my breath and yet it would still turn. In a way, its beautiful. To know that you are not in complete control. Just a simple life in the gigantic works of the universe. Waiting and watching for that sun come to come up and greet you again.

Lips So Tyrant

I never knew that the same soft lips i kiss everyday, could spit such tyranny back at me. I used to think of them as home but now i cant seem to find a single ounce of familiarity.I don't think they know me anymore. They speak so foolishly of me, pointing out my every wrong just to break the silence. I then go about this asking if it is me who is to blame? No. it couldn't be. Not me. i wonder what they say when I'm not around. Do they yearn for me or do they long for yet another one of my absences? I fear to say it has gotten harder to tell. I cant seem to comprehend why i cant make them smile. I have done everything. everything i thought right and so little of what i thought wrong. Once again I am left to wonder if it is me. I know in the end its going to be difficult to believe them. Their words mean nothing when the damage is done. How much longer must i be poisoned by them? How much more before they suck me dry? such harsh concepts, i know, but one cannot recover from such reoccurring odds. I'm sure i cant keep doing this forever. whether it kills me, I'll never know. If it does, I'm sure they'll be the first to know. I'd like to say i am lucky enough to beat the facts, but like always, cold hard honesty comes to steal the win right from under me. by this point, there is no turning back. What is done is done. and what said is heard. whether or not ill forever be on the receiving end ill never know. for such lips i once knew, they ll never again feel like home.

KEANE Bedshaped http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b61EeXnwpLA&feature=fvw

The true Hide And Seek

Love.