The Perfect Day 12/21/10

Today has been like no other day i had before.(well,It started off kinda dreadful but......it got better as it went on).Anyways like i was saying, today was a miracle in the making.I slept in and when i woke up, i got to open a fresh gallon of milk(always a plus!!! i love milk!)
then i got on FruityLoops Studio 9 (a music making program on my computer)and made an awesome Trance song called "Everlastin" ( yes... i know it has no G. it was the way i intended it to be). continuing on, i got dressed and actually looked somewhat fabulous. Normally, something will be messed up in someway, whether it's my hair, weight or clothes. but no, not today, everything seemed perfect. afterwards my grandmother hooked me up with my first credit card. quite awesome, right!!! then we went to Olive Garden where we had a very cute waiter..*smiles* he gave us extra mints!! yay! When i got home i cleaned up my whole room and my lover called asking if he could come over today(which was also very nice because neither of us expected to be able to see each other today due to business with chores and holiday stuff). so he came over right as i got done with my room. He's always had perfect timing!! he had played a little prank on me involving a flaming incense stick(that oddly looked just like the one i randomly decided to use today for nice effects). i thought it quite clever but i know I'll never live it down the way i reacted. *embarrassed shrug*. he had brought over some bead kits which we made lizard key chains(so awesome because we rarely- to -never have anything in common that we can do). It caused us to bond in a way i never thought possible. we laughed and shared interesting conversation topics. My grandmother made the perfect dinner of breaded chicken and vegetable lasagna. ( it tasted SO good).We watched "A Bug's Life" and snuggled until it was over. like i said, today was by far the most perfect day I've ever had.... and I'm sure there will be more to come.

something funny

so my grandmother and i were in target returning some trash bags that were the wrong size gallon. we returned them,walked around, got stuff and went to ring it up. so the cashier(whom i will not name for privacy reasons)is talking to himself. He seems really happy and giggly. i asked him who/ what he was talking to. so he smiled and said"oh just talking to myself." he laughed and i replied with "Yah i do that too sometimes." so my grandmother was looking for the card she uses normally for target and she asked me. " hey you wheres the card i just got?" "help me find it." she said followed by some jokes about how much she hates spongebob.I was wearing spongebob pajama pants and t shirt. ( dont ask me, it felt like one of those days). so he was like "What?! spongebob is amazing!" my grandmother still joking about how its an inatimate object and how sponges dont actually live and talk abd breathe.So the cashier and i were both like "aww...what?" and favoring spongebob right, i said " Spongebob is The Bomb digadee!he agreed with me multiple times. she was comparing him to Barney The Dinosaur. both the cashier and i were like " no you did not just compare barney and spongebob!!" laughing as we discussed our great likeing for the bob that is a sponge.she said " yah every time we get in the car she starts singin the damn song until i finish it and if i dont she keeps singing it over and over again" the cashier laughed a hearty laugh. all the sudden my grandma says the most hilarious epic thing ever....ready?? she goes " well atleast dinosaurs are real unlike sponges!" the ladies behind us in line looking like thier trying not to crack up in laughter. so finally one of the ladies said " what did she say, dinosaurs are real??" we all started laughing histerically. we couldn't stop long enough to breathe for air. so the lady asked my grandmother " so dinosaurs are real?" and my grandmother replied with " Yah Thier just in hiding" then the whole Target starts laughing. i put our stuff in the cart and the lady smiles and says "well you just keep singing". we smiled and left while i sang "ooooh who lives in a pineapple under the sea?".i could hear them laughing as we walked out. we found the car in the parking lot and put our stuff away. we were driving off to go home and i couldnt help but just laugh like crazy from what had just happened. so she says "well why do you think the japanese made those movies? for no reason?" and i replied " yes." simply giggling.
so se said yah. their hiding in the forest and the japanese fought them off with sticks ( were talking Dionsaurs here!)i just kept laughing and laughing. we got home and she went into the backyard and i was like " Hey did ya find any dinosaurs back there? do i need to sharpen some sticks or should i ask the japanese?!" from that point on it was no turning back for air. ohhh, this was by far the best day ever!!!

Walking Along Side Someone Taking A Stroll Down Memory Lane (Downtown Phx)

I cant help but sit here on my picnic table looking at the sunset in my back yard thinking about today and how it has been very meaningful. If you recall this mornings blog, i wrote about how  bad I've been feeling lately. well today has totally changed me. This morning i sat down with my grandmother(the angel that she is) and i talked to her about everything and how its been affecting me lately. she listened to me and sad " Hailey, girl, you need to start thinking about yourself and how you are going to prepare for your life ahead of you." she said. " you are an amazing person and yet you've seemed to let people swallow you up and take away who you are inside." she told me soverignly. " have you noticed that everywhere you go people have their own space whether it be a work desk, a school chair, a bedroom etc. ?" she asked me. " you need to make your own little personal space and start appreciating yourself more. let yourself be Hailey." Those words i will never forget. She got up and told me we were "going somewhere." Now, when an adult says those words, normally a child would figure he/she was in trouble, but something in her voice sounded determined. she asked me to put on my "walking shoes", so i knew this was going to be a long journey. Either that or she thought i needed a hellish amount of  cardio. we got into the car(ironic right) and headed off. she never told me where we were going so i was half excited and half scared. we pulled up at a place called La pinata. ( id type the little ~ line above the "n" but I'm not sure how. *laughs*)turns out it was an old Mexican restaurant that my grandmother was taken to for a date a few odd years back by her fiance of the time. she had decided to take me there to kind of show me her life events and how she enjoyed them. she had told me it was a tradition & that her and my uncle would go every so often. let me tell you, the salsa was phenomenal!
After we had been seated we somehow came about a conversation about a relationship she had been in and what it was to her. I listened and thought about it as she spoke, often asking questions about how she lived and how she began her big life and what was going on at that time in her relationship.
i was a little saddened by the " wow, how things have changed since then" tone in her voice. but every so often i would catch an arm of a smile making its way across her face as she talked about her high school days and going to the state fair with her fiance and all the fun things they shared together as they grew up. she talked about being in a band and making music with her fiance and his friends and how much fun that was. She was getting a point to me about how you can have fun and be yourself at the same time. i took it to heart and cherished her tales of sweet things. after we ate she took me to Enchanto Park, a place i remember going to as a kid with my mother and grandma when times often got too stressful.
 we walked the whole park and she talked about how important it was to be myself and make time to fine tune myself as well. she explained how i needed to focus on what means the most to me and how i could achieve great things in my future like a job i might want, a house i might like and a car i would love to drive. ( i love cars! *smiles*  ) the thing i like the most about my grandma is she is and always has been here for me through thick and thin. whenever i needed her ( and even when i didn't), i could/can always count on her being there.
i love talking to her because she really has a way of hitting home and really getting through to me important things without being biased. i love her for that. Having said that, she secretly decided that she was going to buy tickets and make me ride the carousel at the Enchanto Park. *i swear shes got a mean streak in there somewhere* (Laughs really hard.) lol can you imagine a sixteen year old riding a kiddy horse on a carousel full of 3 year olds? ha-ha the fathers were all talking amongst themselves and laughing at me. well at least i could make someone smile through my humiliation. In a weird way I'm glad she made me do it because it kinda brought the whole " have fun and stop worrying about what people think of you" factor back to life. I have always been an independent, strong, creative and freaky person to begin with but sometimes i need the little ego booster to remind me every once in a while to be proud of it.
it was funny afterwards because my grandma decided she wanted to go on the train before the place had closed up for the day. so here she was getting herself into this little train seat just waiting for me to sit down. she made me laugh while she cracked jokes about how the train was lop sided after she sat down( which it wasn't). we laughed about how she used to take my uncle there and they'd always have to stop the rides for him because he'd always get scared and try to crawl out the sides.  lol. let me remind you, her and i kinda have a crude sense of humor. *grins*. we got off the ride laughing and we headed for the car. we took off  driving through central phx. we went down Roosevelt, and Van Buren, and McKinley as she told me about all the different things she did and how she was going about her life then as a newly wed.we stopped by old apartments she lived in and we drove through neighborhoods as we looked at houses with vines and such. she showed me all the haunted houses she knew of around there. he-he we saw a cross dresser as we drove down Van Buren. it was quite a sight to see. He was really working some high heels and skinny jeans, man! I thought proudly of him though. i always have the upmost respect for people like that because, like myself, they aren't afraid to show who they really are.
After all that we went to Dairy Queen and got ourselves ice cream as a nice treat for all the walking we did today. To end a perfect day, we came home and i thanked her while  hugging her and i gave her a kiss on her forehead and let her know just how much she means to me and how she turned my whole day around just by spending it with me. i have to say that I really loved today and all the experiences i got to have. it is by far the most meaningful day of my life...especially because i shared it with my best friend, my grandma.

- Me

Rain That I wished would stay

It began to rain outside which was something i hadn't seen nor felt for a long time. I was with my love at the time so i said," come with me and feel the rain"

I stripped down to my undershirt and a pair of shorts and ran outside to hard falling rain pushed by big gusts of wind. I stood there putting my arms in the air, face tilted up towards the sky letting it hit my face. I then felt his hands behind me as they glided down my arms and wrapped around my waist. He turned me around and kissed me romantically. Raindrops fell on our faces but never parted our kiss. It was perfect the way it was. so sweet and tender of a kiss repeatedly giving each others lips a place to rest. I layed my head on his shoulder watching the water roll off his face and bead its way down his neck meeting the collar of his shirt.He held me close and tight, just the way i love and we continued to feel the rain we wished would stay.

So Close To Perfection( I Can Almost Be It)

Today, I rested upon him. The room lit so perfectly as the shadows kissed his face.
Hands layed gently across his chest.
This feeling I had I will never forget. His warm, smooth skin against my palms-
repeatedly moving softly as he breathed. My fingertips nestled themselves in between his breast so calm.
The most beautiful of all was his heartbeat, making itself known beneath my touch. So rhythmic and alive. At this moment, I wanted nothing more than to breathe him into me as if he were air.
To become him permanently.I wanted to be as close as I could ever be. Feeling so, I moved my hand over his left breast and felt the only thing keeping him alive. It felt as though i was holding his heart in my hands.I then closed my eyes, took a deep breath pushing closer to him, and let myself believe i was him. kissing and breathing in sync with him as if his lungs were my own. His warmth became mine. I realized at that moment what it truly felt to be so close to perfection I could almost be it.

Change

There is a change in the air, i can feel it. Everything is coming together at once. people are reconnecting and such weird things have been happening lately. The stars must be in line or maybe its this lunar eclipse, I'm not sure but there is definitely a chance of change. I also have been acting really out of character as far as emotions have gone. i don't understand what has possessed me to do so but its really strange. for example, I have somehow psychically connected with my step grandmother whom, for a few really f***ed up reasons, I lost connection with a year ago. I was in the middle of something important when all the sudden it hit me and all i could think about was her and so i called her and reconnected. During this phone call,she said she had been thinking of me almost periodically and it was really getting to her so much that she was thinking about calling me. Just little things like that that make me see things evolving. i do however, have a feeling that they are for the best, whether you call it positive energy or maybe karma or whatever floats your boat but something is changing quickly.i don't know. I'm curious to any comments you guys might have..hit me up :)

Perfect ( to my special someone)

To be with you is perfect.
I once thought id never love again, but somehow you have proven me wrong.
I can feel your honesty just through the way you hold on to me.
its priceless and i cant resist but to hold on too.
For so long, i ve been talking about "coming home" and i never thought id find it, but once again you proved me wrong.
I found it with you.
the funny thing is i knew of you all along and you were standing right infront of me this whole time,
but i was too damaged to see you clearly, so i never noticed until now.
I can finally say that ive got a reason to keep holding on to that river bank,to keep sailing until i find dock, to see that light shine through,to find that scarecrow,and to hold on to whats truely mine atlast (reference to past writings of mine).
It feels so wierd to finally feel this. all these years ive done nothing but give and i am finally being given to. it almost is difficult for me to take your love because its been quite awhile since ive seen honest love from someone other than the expected ( not to sound like im taking anyone for granted or anything. no harm ment.)
i can not explain this. it is almost like i can see my future layed out in front of me without really trying.
i love this, but at the same time i understand that things dont always last forever and they can change at any given moment. but for some reason i can see everything will go just as planned. i have a feeling that everything will be...perfect.

New Love

You, my love, are like a dream.


A dream so pleasant, that not one soul would wish to wake from it.

Your eyes, bright as the morning’s sunrise, reflecting along the slow river currents.

They shine life into me, bringing me to my center.

They alone express words unspoken.

Your lips, so soft, like sweet breezes rustling through daisy fields.

So sure of themselves, knowing exactly when to linger.

Caressing beauty, they hold on to every opportunity that awaits.

Your touch, so alive like the blue jay singing in the trees.

So soothing and perfect with every passing moment.

It flows so passionately and intrigues me so.

Your voice, so luring, like the night sky

Surrounding me, something I can look up to as a home to my dreams.

With each word, I can imagine a perfect promise like the stars lighting my path.

And I know if I were to close my eyes at this very second, you’d be with me.

To show me the way, to bring me to life and give me the gift of this dream.

Your love.

A new Love.

The Runaway Forest

Scarecrow,Scarecrow find me, find me.
I've run to hide in the woods,so quick and quietly.
I do not want to see the sun,
It scares me more than anyone.
Raven,Raven Please come back,
to your tree branches shadowed black.
Hurry hurry,before dawn.
I do not want to be alone.
Moonlight Moonlight, shine on down.
light this path on filthy grounds.
show yourself, dimmed and pale.
to soon grow old and state your will.
Shadows,Shadows, my unearthly friends.
please stay here in comfort again.
hide me from that blazing sun.
Let me see not of what its done.
Owl, Owl, observant and wise,
perch above me and and tell me why
to not fear today or tommorows skies,
to fly forth with open eyes.
Scarecrow Scarecrow, Have you not found me yet?
Look further and you will see me, i bet.
Come and stay with me, i will show you no harm.
I promise to love you and enjoy our new home.
Raven,shadows and moonlight Owl, keep us company for awhile.
Until that sun returns its face, we will live without its name.
In this forest of simple dreams,to rewake and repeat yet another day.

Heart Eater

You do not want me, and I know it.

I can't stand it, you must be mine.

I want to eat your heart.

Torn from your chest with a knife. 

Looking at my reflelction

Smearing down, it runs.

so beautiful, I envy

Cut it from you til im done.

There, I will hold it in my hands, beating still

From the hole I created, satin red.

crying to myself, accomplished

to replace mine, broken wilted, dead

To the once life that rushed through it.

The blood will be my wine.

With every tare, my console.

So bitterly divine.

Now, you will be with me forever.

I have clearly nothing to fear.

The more I eat, the better.

To finish you my dear.

I truely will enjoy each piece ,

between my trembling lips.

Chewing away at what i wished was mine.

 my sweet cadaver sits.

piece by piece, devoured.

sickening feelings arise.

wished i could have done better

i cut from the inside

Quietly observing, 

The best taste that ive ever tried

Satisfy an urge, .

No longer confined  .

.

Only within minutes

The closest I ever got

I havent miss one part, (i promise).

And I do not want to stop.

You will love me within time,(I swear it).

Inevitably against your will.

Time to take another bite (to cure it)

The message of the kill.

I feel you drown inside me.

My unforgettable high.

Now you will love me forever.

And forever you are mine.

_xx Heart Eater xx_

Guilty

I am guilty. Not of crime but of hope.
Hope that someday someone somewhere will reach out to me without being told to.
I want to share my everything, but its kind of hard with people who only care about themselves.
Im not saying i do everything right but i would at least like to have acknowledgement.
i get so tired of waiting for people to do this or do that, or begginhg them for months on end.
By that time, i already have it in my mind that the person doesnt care and i should just give up trying.
i dont mean to sound sad and im sorry if i do. I just get so weak waiting for someone to finally have a legit concern about the things im interested in or the things i do and say. I do the same for them. almost border line excited when they tell me something theyve done.... why cant they do it for me? Am i boring? does no one really care to begin with?
I dont know why and i dont really care how but will someone somewhere someday...acknowledge me?

DnB(Drum and Bass)

Have you ever heard something euphoric and mind shattering at the same time? Something that caught you in the moment and refused to let go? I have and its the wondeful sound of Drum and Bass! I dont completely know what it is yet that triggers the "OMG!!!" hormone in my brain but I do know its the best thing my ears have ever heard on this planet earth. For those of you who dont know what im talking about here is a brief discription. "Drum and bass (commonly abbreviated to D&B or DnB) is a type of electronic dance music which emerged in the mid 1990s. The genre is characterized by fast breakbeats (typically between 160–190 bpm, occasional variation is noted in older compositions), with heavy bass, sub-bass lines, and occasional infra-bass lines. Drum and bass began as an offshoot of the United Kingdom rave scene of the very early 1990s. Over the first decade of its existence, the incorporation of elements from various musical genres led to many permutations in its overall style." -- (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drum_and_bass)


Maybe its the melodic recce bass that take me beyond, possibly the heavy mindblowing sub-bass, or the epic as heck FX, but i mostly think its the ORGASMIC BASS EXPLODING OUTTA MY SPEAKERS AND RATTLING MY BRAIN TO NO END....yep thats gotta be it!.. haha. but I just cant get enough of it, im a DnB addict! I tell you, if music were a living, breathing organism, Drum and Bass would be the heartbeat that keeps everything alive!! i cant even begin to explain how much i love it.Its my soul. I just cant reason why it wouldnt be a mainstream music though, I mean, who wouldnt want to listen to it? Its the equivalent to being rich, getting laid by the worlds hottest person everynight and on top of that OWNING THE WORLD and everything around it!!!!!!!! i mean, c'mon! who wouldn't want to experiance that?! i mean you've got your Dubstep,Dancefloor,Darkstep,Drill and Bass, Drum & Bass step, Drumfunk, Drumstep, Hardstep, Intelligent,Breakcore,Jazzstep, Jump-Up, Liquid funk (or simply "Liquid"), Sambass, Techstep, Techno-DNB, Neurofunk ,Hardstyle, Raggacore, and so so so much more.
I mean, if thats not enough to make you bleed out your pants......lol, not literally..haha. anyways I love Drum And Bass and i probabaly will be that crazy old lady listening to dnb all day in the nursing home that all the other ladies are scared of but hey, I dont care! If I have dnb...im all set.

Peace out! Love&Respect,
MissDnB

To my readers

Hello followers,
i just want to thank you for reading my blogs and stayin tru. i just want to let you know that just because some of my blogs are sad,doesnt mean im a sad person. i keep my blogs as if they were journal enteries. i am a very momentual person, which means, i invest everything into what im feeling at the moment. I am infact a very happy person with great friends and family. i just come here and write to get my deep feeling out/ things that have been held inside. kinda like a best friend would discuss situations with his/her other friend for advice or just to vent. anyways ive got some good blogs commin so keep readin em'. once again, i love each and every one of you who reads my blog( yes, even if you dont follow me). thnx for your time.

peace out! love&respect,
MissDnB

Come Forth To Me

Dark angel, come forth to me, do not linger in shadows like such. Raise yourself above me and shed your tears there. Rain upon my face if they must. If you cannot spread your wings even then, I will carry you until flight you trust. take you away from such tragedy and show you the path of love.

Find Me

Find me, because I can not find myself. You seem to have known me better all these years.

please, discover you need me. Dont let me become just a memory. you always said I was better than this.

and when you do find me, hold on to me for dear life. Promise me you will never let go.

I want to know im needed. charish me as if this is the last time you will ever see me again.

Find me,because I am nothing without you.

Sinking a Ship (That Was Barely Sailing)

My life is an ocean. Never steady.The waves, my relationships, each stronger than the last.

And then theres me, the ship.

I have aboard my love.

I once knew where I was headed, but lost the sun.

I have yet to set my sails again.

But the truth of possibly never seeing dock again hit hard.

Such a deep reflection to sink in.

Intention like a compass but the blue prints were knowingly not built strong enough.

And one day when that tsunami hits me, I wish to reel in my anchor and let it take me.

No fear, No regret.

But, every sailor knows the waves are notorious for being misleading.

 Sea creatures linger beneath.Waiting to latch on and pull me under.

Structure still decrepit but the hopes stay steadfast.

The only thing that keeps me afloat at times.

watching for that sun to show itself again.

I think i find it, but then see it is nothing but a fog light. I wished it wouldve lead me to that tsunami, but it was a whirlpool instead. It is strong and angry, throwing me around disasterously. I then discover my last remains. A sinking ship that was barely sailing.

Spirit (Seeker)

As I've aged, many have asked me when I think it will be that we will rise once again and  return "home" also to hear that sweet music of  perfection that will be shed upon our ears. I pitty for I can never answer them undoubtfully and I am not knowledged of any "home". To ask of me that would be equivalent to asking when the moon will fall or when the Earth will stand still. Not a single answer comes to mind without the words " I do not know" occupying them. I too want to know these answers but question thier logicality.
Is it right of me? Do I know but subconsiously keep them hidden until time reveals them?
still and yet sadly, I ponder. Puzzled at such a thought. The only thing I have come along in my years have been the lessons that life has taught me, my history and my present, strugglement and success but still no answer of my future beyond my reach. Does it lay upon the stars? Is it a destiny that I havent yet crossed? Does it twirl between the fingers of Greenman and Luna?  Does it even exsist? I question and still no answer. I know what my heart believes and I know what my mind understands but still none of which my soul answers. Is this too much or too little of me to ever figure? I'm sure I wont know for a very long time, if ever, or atleast until proven otherwise.

Intertwined

Today, we intertwined.

Our souls were one.

His arms around me in a secure embrace, we slept.

His cheek lay upon my chest, my heartbeats his lullaby.

Soft and still his skin, filling in my every curve. Breaths unite us.

so confident he surrounded me.

wrapped around me like a protecter.

His sweet dreamers' smile shown through. At that very moment, We were no longer individual. The peace and love in which we slept, amalgamated us. We felt such tranquility and wholeness as we were.

Never thought I to be in such a astonishing happening.

I felt as if the word "I" were no longer nessassary and that it should be replaced with "we" eternally and so on.

My heart is his, my blood and veins we share, my eyes we look through and my love is ours.

And still, even as his presence (that at this moment I am without),we are and forever will be..one.

World Of Mine

World of mine

you have failed me.

Left me broken and battered.

Am I not what you wanted?

Do I not meet your needs?

You, my world, were suppost to be everything I envisioned.

seems to me it can only be a dream.

I need you and you are nowhere to be found.

I can not find you so ive given up.

Am I not strong enough?

Am I not what you seek for?

World of mine

Am I only but allowed one mere moment of happiness

 before it is stolen once more?

Do I deter you from giving me a chance?

Need i hunger so much more that it kills me?

World of mine

What do you want of me?

what must I give up?

Do you want me beaten and battered

before I recieve what I've asked of you?

How much more shall I take before losing it all completely?

Please. Enlighten me.

Before its too late.

 World of mine

you have failed me.

Alone( Dead Like Winter)

Inside, I feel alone.
Deserted. Bereft. Left behind. I want so badly to hold on to someone but I am afraid they'd just fall right through me. I am seperated and in need. I reach out like a child would to its mother in desperate times, but only cold responds. I cry, not knowing what has happened but only what i feel. In yearning for that comforting hug, I wait, soon to realize I am the only one there. Tired eyes become home to quiet tears. Quiet like dead winter. I just want to have someone hold me,caress me close, rocking me slowly like a sleepy infant, hushing my cries sweetly. I want to feel the warmth of someone and finally feel like i have somewhat of a grip. I want to feel confident enough that as soon as i fall asleep, it wont just slip away from me forever. Upon that sleep I want to stay, where someones' gentle-sweet but assuring voice soothes me honestly, comfirming its presence and promise to never leave me. I want it to break this feeling of forlorn and deprivity before The Cloaked One comes.  Leaving me alone and dead...dead like winter.